Update!

First off, a big hello to anyone who may have been reading or has started reading my blog.

 I haven't used Blogger for a long time now but would love to start writing here again so here goes!

Since my last post, a lot has changed in life. My father passed away on the 22nd of June 2013 and instead of letting his passing destroy me, I have taken every positive thing he taught me and used them to strengthen my character. I have taken up studying for an hons. degree in Psychology and I am really enjoying this so far. As much as life could have gone downhill rapidly, I feel that I am in a better place emotionally than I have been for years.

 While it may seem that people too easily say "Oh just give it time, it'll get better!", those words couldn't hold more truth. As I have gotten older, I have gotten more wise to situations that once affected me so negatively. Each little crease that appears is not to be sniffed at, not to be ironed out with botox, not to be stressed over. No... Each crease that appears on my form is another reminder that as I grow older physically, I also grow older emotionally.

 My life has been a huge rollercoaster of uncertainty. So many ups and downs that sometimes I have felt sickened by the never ending rush to the end. I no longer wish to rush. Now? I take time to appreciate everything I hold dear. My mother, my daughter, my siblings, my family and friends. Every day I wake up, I feel blessed to know that I am more loved than I ever believed I was. It took me many years to realise the impact and importance I have and had on the lives of many people.

 Never doubt yourself, never look to others for the answers to your goals. They are all within you. Sometimes it just takes a long time to learn to trust yourself enough to utilise the key you have within you and allow those feelings to flood over you in a refreshing wave of newly found self respect.

 Your world is YOURS for the taking. Seize it.

Bright!

So, disregarding my other posts which were written during a very trying time, I am actually feeling very good today. I woke up feeling a little sick and tired due to the flu I still have but overall, life is such a beautiful place. I have a loving family, a roof over my head and I trust in my ability to be there for others, when I am needed.

 That to me is what life is about. Cherishing the small things and learning to take the bad times with a pinch of salt. The bad times in life will always make way for better times and thinking of only that precious light that awaits at the end of the gloomy tunnel is the right path to tread. ^^

 From today on, I will promise to myself and to those around me that I shall continue to view this opinion with the importance that it deserves. My priorities are settled. Bring on the sun! <3

-Jen xx

Fed Up?

I haven't eaten properly now for two days...

 In general, I feel tired a lot anyway these days but today, i've felt especially tired. I have so much I need to do in preparation for my trip to see my family and the only thing I have done is get my tickets. That's lack of motivation for you.

 Craving a cup of tea or coffee right about now to warm me up but i'm actually too angry to make one. To have my emotions being shifted at the blink of an eye, every day, no rest from emotional issues and to have my buttons pushed by those selfish little pigs who think they know better, isn't exactly what i'd call quality of life to begin with. But to have them pushed by someone who claims to love and care for you, and have compassion and empathy for you, is a completely different ball game. The reality of the situation when it all boils down is, "Should I just laugh it off for the sheer stupidity factor or should I bawl?".

 I am quite possibly one of the most misunderstood people I have ever known, (though sometimes, I wonder if I actually even know myself at all) as I plow through life, wanting to find the peaceful alternative to the lifestyle others seem to be opting for, and end up coming out of it with a dirty face and ripped clothing. Even when I look back and try to piece everything together, nothing really seems to fit, things seem to travel so fast, the speeding car that hits its' target everytime without fail, yet leaves the driver wondering how it all came to transpire.

 While those people are drunk on alcohol and bad company, i'm drunk on stupidity and recklessness. One bad choice after another. Sometimes, I leave myself with no option but to wonder if everything is worth living for? To be tested strenuously like a new market product. Put through my paces to ensure that I offer safety to all those who use me, yet recklessly being disregarded in my own light. I am a person. I have feelings. I have a soul. None of that should be abused.

 I will end for today because this rant could go on forever and twist and turn through a poisonous fog, a miasma of deplorable anger, humiliation and sickening belief that one guesses they'll never be good enough for any creature that walks this world. Only good for abuse... Yet loving and with so much to live for...

Jen.

Going through changes...

A lot of things are gonna change in my life, wether for the better or not i'm yet to see... Stuck in one of those little ruts that I need to get out of. When I come back from Liverpool, I will be making a lot of changes to try and better myself as a person. I will have my health checks, get my mental state into a better place and try and see where everything else fits in.

 Change is never a good thing, rather, it can be quite disconcerting when you have been so used to a specific situation, surrounded yourself with specific people and then in one night, everything goes the other way and you no longer know where to go from there.

 I am a strong person, I always have been but sometimes, things hit hard and make us fall down, make us completely reassess everything we valued previously. Make us wonder why we fought so hard for something that was never to be treasured in the first place.

 The reason for us doing so will always be the same. To others on the outside looking in, what we value or treasure may be simple or unimportant to them, may even be a little out there, but to us, we choose to treasure and value the things we do because to us, they hold all our dreams, our love and our wishes within them. A container with everything we dream of, all our hopes and desires, carelessly left to fall and shatter... All in one night.

 What can we do when this situation hits us? All we CAN do as people is pick ourselves up, and walk into the sunset without dusting ourselves down. Why would one dust themselves down when that dust on every inch of their being shows the whole world how they fell and managed to stand again, despite everything falling down on them?

 We can all be strong and we can all be loved, we all deserve that much. But on the times that weakness takes us over, do not be afraid nor ashamed to look at those who are holding you up while your moment of weakness ensnares you. They are the ones who truly love you.

 Thank you for your patience in reading this. To those who care, you have my eternal undying love. To those who don't, let this be my message to you to let you know that nothing you do or say will keep me down. I was born to be strong and I will not falter now.

 Take care everyone and see you soon.

Love, Jen xx